My Journey Blog - Jo's Story

Hi my name is Jo, I’m 51 a widow and currently work as a Receptionist/Attendance Officer at a small Independent Special Needs School. I have 2 daughters aged 20 and 24 and 2 grandchildren one boy aged 29 months and a girl aged 8 months. I have been asked to write my motherhood journey by my daughter about becoming a single mom due to being widowed at 43.

I first met my husband Jason when he was 17 in the old fashioned way at a Nightclub in Birmingham back in the late 80’s, but it took him until he was 19 to woo me!!!. After 3 weeks I told friends that this was ‘THE ONE’ and so we dated for 2 years before moving in together and then after another 2 years we got married. 13 months later our first daughter was born followed by her sister 4 years later, my world was complete and being a mom was the most wonderful gift ever. Life wasn’t always easy we were a mixed couple and not everyone was happy about us being together but we just knew we were meant for each other. We were together for 22 years when in August 2013 Jay died. He was taken into hospital on the morning of Monday 12th August, I thought he was having a stroke as his leg had gone numb, but on arrival at hospital he was taken away to be scanned and I was asked into a side room by a consultant who told me to get the family to The Queen Elizabeth hospital as quickly as possible as he had in fact suffered a spontaneous intracerebral haemorrhage (bleed on the brain) and was going to be rushed there to see if they could do anything for him but that they didn’t expect him to survive. My eldest who was 17 at the time and was at home getting a bag ready to bring in for her dad once we knew which ward he was going to be on as she had been awake when he was taken in the ambulance and had been speaking to him, so this wasn’t what I was expecting to hear. I was told the next morning at 11.13 that my husband was brain dead and therefore they would be turning off all life support…my first thought was how on earth do I tell the girls that their dad isn’t going to be coming home ever again. Losing Jay changed everything, we were a close knit family who did a lot together we always ate dinner together every night and would chat about our days suddenly there was an empty seat….we would go to the cinema together nearly every week Jay and the youngest to watch a sci-fi or action film, me and the eldest to watch a sloppy romcom so we stopped going because it was too hard without him.

His birthday was 5 days before Christmas we always made such a fuss, now we had to go and stand in a cemetery…Christmas is by far one of the hardest times to get through, 8 years later with the arrival of 2 grandchildren its just starting to get slightly bearable although the fact that he is missing out on them and seeing the amazing women his daughters have turned into is again a whole level of pain that will never get go away! Jay was a DJ so the house was always so full of music and friends now it was so quiet, lots of people stopped coming over as it was just too hard to be in the house without him, people avoided us by crossing over in the street as I guess they just didn’t know what to say. Becoming a single parent through bereavement is something that I just never contemplated, I worried about how this was going to affect them both mentally and physically (and it did, anxiety and panic attacks became a new member of the family that we all had to learn to live with) but I'm so lucky that my girls made it easy for me..they were 13 and 17 at the time and losing their dad could have sent them off the rails but instead it had the complete opposite effect, I think it made them realise that they needed to get a good education in order to be able to look after themselves as you just never know what life was going to throw at you, so both of them knuckled down and went to the University (the first ever in the family…just saying!!) and have both now graduated, one is an Audiologist and the other a Social Worker.

Jay dying the way he did so suddenly, completely changed my outlook on life and made me realise that life is short and can be gone in seconds so I know that my parenting style also changed as I no longer stressed about the small things and definitely over compensated by making sure that if they wanted something they got it, saving was no longer important to me as I just wanted to try and make them happy…I realise now that this probably wasn’t the best thing to do but I just didn’t know what else to do…I just wanted to see them happy. However, on the flip side it also made me worry more when they weren’t with me..I needed to know that they were safe and I'm sure I was a nightmare asking them to text me when they got to wherever they were going, when they were leaving somewhere, when they got up in the morning, literally anytime they weren’t with me!!!....I worried. The challenges I have faced at the beginning were trying to work out how to pay the mortgage and bills on just my wage (didn’t have any insurances of any type…not advisable!!) but luckily Jay worked for a family run business who unknown to me had signed him up to a death in service scheme which meant that I was given a lump sum so I was able to pay off our debts which in turn meant I could continue paying the mortgage. It wasn’t easy but we got through. Worrying constantly about the girls and the impact this was having on them and their lives, feeling guilty that I was their mom but couldn't fix this, all while trying to get my head round the fact that my Jay was gone and I was never going to be able to speak to him or see him ever again. I don’t really think that I have grieved him yet as my way of dealing with this was to just keep busy, so looking after the girls, working, getting involved in charity work and now having my amazing grandchildren helps as it doesn’t give me time to stop and think. One thing that I really find hard is not being part of a couple anymore, friends would invite me to different events which is so lovely of them but so hard as watching them with their partners was agony, so sometimes it was just easier not to go (some friends understood this but others didn’t and just faded away). For me Jay is still the love of my life and I can't see that ever changing as I didn’t get time to fall out of love with him so meeting someone else seems very unlikely as they wont be Jay. I feel so lucky to have had the time that I did with Jay, so many people go through their whole life never experiencing what we had. I can truly say that although it wasn’t long enough it was worth all the struggles and pain and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. From the minute my daughter was put in my arms I just knew that this is what I was born to do…be a mom!!! I loved every moment of it from the munchie baby days spending hours just looking at this fantastic little person I had grown, toddler tantrums..trying not to laugh!! and all the handmade ‘I'm sorry’ cards as they got older, going into school to help out with crafts, attending all their assemblies and school plays (their faces when they spotted you in the audience…Priceless). Christmas…wow…the excitement when Santa had been!!!!. Caravan holidays at the seaside…The trying teenage years, when I spent a lot of time covering for them with their dad because of boyfriends and smoothing over any rows because he couldn’t cope with his little girls growing up (thank god he never saw them after a drunken night out at Snobs!!), right through to the PROUD MOM feeling when they both started University and then stressing because my baby had to leave home and go to Leeds without me!!! ( of course she was fine and coped). Watching them become the beautiful, caring, amazing women that they are today despite everything that has been thrown at them and finally the overwhelming feeling of worry and awe whilst watching one of them give birth twice to my beautiful grandchildren and become a fantastic mom herself. Honestly I know everyone says it but it really is the most amazing job in the world and I feel so honoured that I got the chance to experience it. For me the hardest thing about being a mom will always be not being able to fix everything or always keep them safe. Watching them when they are sick (I would much rather it be me every time) being hurt by other peoples actions or upset by friends when they don’t deserve it..those tearful phone calls at 2am in the morning knowing that I cant get to her and give her the hug she needs.. watching them suffer with anxiety and panic attacks and not being able to make it stop…but by far the hardest thing that I will never get use to is watching them stand at their dads grave on his Birthday and Christmas…..I'm their mom and their pain will always be my pain. If I could go back & give my younger self advice, I would say hold on tight…your in for one hell of a ride!!! Its not always going to be easy but try and find something positive in everyday (even if its just that you made it through that day..lol) Make the time to make memories you don’t need lots of money to have fun…and take lots of photos, believe me they will become one of the most important things you can do for your children…Hold on and cherish your good friends, allow them to help you (its what friends do! don’t see it as a sign of weakness) and finally you wont always get it right but don’t beat yourself up about it, as long as you did your best and had the best intentions then those that matter won't mind and those that mind probably don’t matter anyway!