One of the topics that I have noticed isn’t covered in the “how to parent” books is dating after having children. On one hand it can be super exciting but on the other also really scary as you start to wonder the impact this might have on your child; will people judge me? When do I tell my dates that I have children? One of my first worry was when and how do I introduce them to my child?! The best advice I ever received is to assess the quality of your relationship. This whole taboo that once you become a parent every single person you meet must be a long-term partner that you are going to marry is rubbish! You are allowed to have fun and have casual relationships, but these may not be the people you would consider introducing to your children because once you make that decision to introduce your new partner to your children you leave them vulnerable to becoming attached. Doing so before you've even determined for yourself that this will be a long-term relationship can become quite damaging to both you & your children. However, if you do meet someone who you see a future with then this is when you need to look at how to discuss this with your children. Some advice on how to approach this would be:
Address your children’s potential fears – make your commitment to them very clear before you even introduce your new partner. This will help to calm their fears of abandonment.
Keep things in perspective – open up and encourage your children to share their views on what they want for their future This is not you asking them for their approval of your relationship, but rather another way of showing them how important they are to you. You could begin by making your own statement of love and support for your family. Then ask the children questions like 'What would you like for our family? What are you looking for in someone that we might bring into the family?’
Offer reassurance – ensuring your children know that you love them no matter what. whether this relationship works or not, whether they get along with this person or not, your love towards them will remain unconditional.
Ideas for the first meeting - When it comes to making the actual introductions, you'll want to plan a very informal outing or activity. Ideally, it helps to create a situation where everyone can be themselves, relax, and have a good time. Something like going out for ice cream or playing a quick round of mini golf, gives everyone a chance to meet but doesn't create a situation where intense conversation is needed.
There is no right or wrong time to start dating after having children and while I have tried my best to give you some pointers on where to begin when introducing your new partner to your children there’s no guarantee that following those guidelines will work for your family’s particular situation. A lot of it is about constantly juggling and negotiating multiple peoples’ needs and wants. I just hope that this article helps you to block out the noise of those that disapprove of mother’s dating because we are still people & we still deserve love & happiness.