A massive part of being a parent is preparing our children, preparing them for school, for work, for marriage and for when they eventually have children of their own. In order for our children to obtain skills such as relationship building, problem solving and being able to understand & manage their emotions, there are some uncomfortable and difficult conversations that I would urge all parents to have with their child. In this discussion, my aims are to look at what kinds of topics you should cover with your children, how you can start these conversations with your children and what signs to look for to identify if something concerning is going on in your child's life.
What sorts of conversations should I have with my children?
Each child will have their own individual challenges, However, some of the conversations I think all children will benefit from are:
what sexual abuse is and why it is wrong (the PANTS rule is a brilliant way to talk about this in an age-appropriate way, this can be found on the NSPCC website). This will help your child to be able to spot the signs of abuse themselves and encourage them to confide in someone if they are worried
Talking about intense emotions such as depression & anxiety, etc. Is extremely important to do with children. Not only will it help make these emotions less scary for your child, but will also make them more accepting and empathetic towards others who may be struggling with their mental health. It is important for your child to understand that help is available and that they do not have to cope with these emotions alone
Staying safe online is another vital conversation that you should have with your child. Discussing things such as grooming, what sorts of information should be kept confidential I.e. address and phone number and sending and receiving explicit messages, photographs and videos (the NSPCC have some great resources on their website on how to have these conversations with your child in an age appropriate way)
Talking to your children about discrimination (racism, homophobia, etc.)
As sexual education is not on the school curriculum, this conversation often falls to us as parents. Some of the most important topics to cover with your child in regards to their sexual healthy is the importance of contraception, how and where to get support if they are worried, or if they think they may have an STI, what consent is and what a healthy relationship looks and feel like.
Where do I begin when starting a difficult or uncomfortable conversation with my child? One of the best ways to encourage children to talk is to make it as informal as possible, calling a family meeting or trying to sit a child down to have a conversation can terrify them or cause them to clam up and not tell you anything. The best time to approach a difficult topic is when you are doing a very normal, everyday activity such as painting, cooking or even when you are out walking together. These activities do not require eye contact and so make it much easier for you to ask uncomfortable questions and make children more likely to open up to you. Another good tool I would recommend in order to start up a difficult conversation is writing a letter to your child; this can be useful for conversations surrounding topics such as if they do not have contact with one or both of their birth parents. I would recommend this more for older children. My son has not had any contact with his birth father since he was 3 months old. I know at some point he will ask about him, so I have written him a letter explaining these reasons to him. Writing a letter is an extremely powerful way of communicating with someone because it is almost impossible to not read a letter someone has written to you; it shows the child that you are open to the conversation, it is something they can keep and read as many times as they like and it reduces the risk of emotions getting in the way of what you are trying to say. Another extremely useful way of helping children to understand and process difficult topics and emotions is through books. Books can help with all aspects of child development such as help your child get to know sounds, words and language, and develop early literacy skills, help them learn the difference between ‘real’ and ‘make-believe’ and as I said earlier understand new or frightening events, and the strong emotions that come with them.
What should I look out for to spot if my child is struggling?
unexplained changes in behaviour or personality
becoming withdrawn
seeming anxious
becoming uncharacteristically aggressive
lacks social skills and has few friends, if any
poor bond or relationship with a parent
knowledge of adult issues inappropriate for their age
running away or going missing
always choosing to wear clothes which cover their body
All children react to trauma differently, as their parent, you know your child best and you will know if something seems off or different about them, so just trust your gut instinct. The NSPCC have some excellent advice and resources on their page to help parents with approaching difficult conversations, follow the link below for more info:
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/