My background is in Paediatric Nursing and for the past 5 years I have worked as a Health Visitor. My role involves working with families who have a baby aged between 0-5 and supporting them with things such as transitioning to parenthood, weaning, child health, child development, postpartum issues and postnatal depression.
Let's talk about secure attachment and bonding with your baby….
For many new parents, the idea of having to put in effort to build a secure attachment and bond with their baby seems foreign. Some of us hold our babies in our arms for the first time and feel overwhelmed with unconditional love and enjoy parenthood from the get go. However, for other parents, we can feel so overwhelmed after the birth of our baby due to perhaps a complicated pregnancy, unplanned pregnancy, trauma from labour /labour complications or our own childhood/life experiences that we may not feel that same surge of emotion straight away. This does not mean you are not or cannot be a good parent. Whether you experience the former or latter, both are absolutely normal feelings towards parenthood and your baby. Some parents just don’t feel that unconditional love from the get go and why would you? Did you love your partner/husband/wife from the moment you first laid eyes on them? The majority of people will answer no to this, because it is normal at the start of a relationship to want to explore the other person first, get to know them and the feelings come after this. Building an attachment and bond with your baby is no different and as with all relationships, you have to put in some work.
My own experience of child birth with my first-born child was quite traumatic. My waters broke and my baby’s heart rate was dropping so I had to deliver early. I was a first-time mum; I was not at a gestation where any sort of delivery plan had been discussed and I was being told my baby would be delivered by either C-section or induction that evening. I was scared, really scared. I was scared because I felt unprepared, I had no hospital bag and I didn’t realise that when your waters break, they literally just break and don’t stop!!!! This scared me!!! I was also scared because my baby’s heart rate was dropping and he clearly wasn’t happy. I had no expectations of what giving birth involved but I was scared that I might not be able to do it and keep myself or my baby safe. Thank fully after a traumatic birth experience, he was born and looked after on the neonatal intensive care unit. He was admitted for 10 days. This caused problems in itself for our bond and attachment as we were separated. I had a fourth-degree tear and struggled to visit the neonatal unit as much as I liked and I felt so guilty for not being by his side constantly.
Looking back, it’s really scary being a first-time parent and when things don’t go to plan, this can massively impact your first few weeks as a family. I will admit that I was one of those mums who did not have the surge of unconditional love when I first laid eyes on my child. Too much had happened, I was too exhausted and we were separated from birth. When we were finally discharged home, I used to look at him and feel guilty for not feeling the happiness that others mum described. However, I knew in my heart that I was so curious to get to know him and I wanted to keep him so safe and never want anything in this world to hurt him. He was too precious. That moment was the start of our relationship and he was already 2 weeks old.
I quickly learnt that my little boy found his own way of communicating with me from such a young age to let me know what he needed. I was responsive to his physical needs, even during those first few weeks whilst I made sense of my emotions and after that I gained more confidence and I was able to respond to his emotional needs. This is what forms the basis of any attachment with your baby. You do not need to be the perfect parent; you just have to respond appropriately to your baby’s needs and the rest will follow as you get to know each other. You will always be more than enough for you baby by just being you. Taking some time out of your busy day to just sit with them and enjoy them, the washing can wait, the hovering can wait, the dirty dishes can wait – but your baby can’t always wait. Be reciprocal in nature. So, if your baby is awake, hold them close, mirror their facial expressions, copy their sounds, sing to them and read to them. These are things you can do from birth that all help you communicate with your baby and aid the strengthening of your bond. Physically and emotionally, baby massage is such a great way to spend time with your baby and the close contact will help get lots of happy hormones flowing for you both!
Babies learn to communicate from the day they are born. Their first form of communication is obviously crying. But as the weeks go on, you will notice your baby will start to recognise your voice, turn their face towards you, know what you smell like and they will find comfort in all of these things as their bond and attachment between you strengthens.
Some of the hardest moments of parenthood are when our baby isn’t doing what we want them to do. And babies do cry…they cry a lot!! Especially during the first 8 weeks which are usually the hardest weeks of parenthood. They have been inside your tummy for 9 months, all safe and secure where it was all dark and warm so they may get their days and nights mixed up or cry because they want to be held for reassurance – they are figuring out the world. It is important to respond to these needs. If your baby isn’t wet, dirty, too cold, too hot or hungry, then they have an emotional need and by simply giving them a cuddle or some skin to skin can be more than enough to make them feel safe and secure. You cannot spoil your baby with love.
Every parent wants to be the best parent they can be and often we feel pressured which can bring feelings of guilt, shame or worry. But the perfect parent does not exist. You only need to get it right 30% of the time!! After my first-born child, looking back I experienced what some describe as the ‘baby blues’. This is absolutely normal for some women for the first 2-3 weeks following birth due to your hormones still being on a rollercoaster ride. However, it can sometimes manifest itself as postnatal depression, in which these feelings don’t go away and can often get worse. Postnatal depression is so common in women who have a baby less than 12 months old and it can often include not wanting to bond with your baby, not wanting to hold them close, not feeling motivated to meet their needs or even having intrusive thoughts about harming yourself or your baby. If you feel you are not bonding with your baby or you are not able to keep them or yourself safe, it is vital that you reach out for support, whether it is to a family member, friend, health visitor or your GP. If you’re finding it hard to relax with them and you feel a bond isn’t growing, again talk to your health visitor or GP. Having these feelings is nothing to be ashamed of and the feelings are not likely to go away overnight. Each region has their own Specialist Perinatal mental Health team who will visit you at home and support you where needed. They will help you to understand your attachment with your baby and explore reasons why you may not feel like you're able to form an attachment or bonding experience. Your first months with your baby are so precious; you need to be given the opportunity and support to build your relationship, your bond and your attachment. The support is there if you need it; our babies are only small for a short period of time but we make the biggest impact as parents during those first few weeks. You would hate to look back in 12 months’ time and regret not getting support when it was needed.
If you have any concerns you can always speak to your GP, midwife or health visitor. Please add any tips or questions you might have below in the comments section