Before our children are even born it is drilled into us that we should pay attention to the importance of their physical development. But something which I have struggled to find information on is how I can ensure I am raising emotionally stable children. It is extremely important to me that my children can identify and understand their emotions, that they are aware of the impact their actions can have on others and that they know how to ask for help when they feel overwhelmed or worried. I wanted to address this topic as I don’t feel there is enough information on it and I want to encourage all parents to pay attention to their child's emotional health. So, I am hoping to give you all some tools that you can use to look after your child's emotional health.
Why is it so important that I look after my child's emotional health?
Looking after your child's emotional health is just as important as looking after their physical health. Your child's early years (birth to 5 years) is one of the most crucial times in their lives, this is when many of the foundations of their understanding of the world is created. Most of the issues that we develop during adulthood can actually have been caused by an event that took place during our childhood. By ensuring you teach your child the importance of their emotional health they are less likely to develop mental health issues in the future, it can increase their level of resilience, help them to understand what a healthy relationship looks and feels like and they will also begin to know how and when to ask for help.
How can I look after my child's emotional health?
Name their worries - when you don’t have names for your emotions, this can make them seem quite scary, especially to children and the one thing we don’t want is for children to be afraid of their feelings. Ways that you can do this is by maybe getting your child to draw how they might be feeling. For older children you can try getting them to write down how they are feeling, this is what we call name & tame. This can help children feel more in control of their emotions
Worry monster - Another way of encouraging a child to talk about their emotions is by using something called a worry monsters or a worry box. To begin with children may not feel comfortable to tell you what may be troubling them, so being able to physically put their worry somewhere will help make them feel like they don’t need to carry it anymore and it will also give you as a parent or care giver some insight into how they are feeling.
Dealing with emotions – It can be useful for children to think about worries as butterflies, as we can often get that butterfly feeling in our stomachs when we are worried about something. Drawing pictures of butterflies and writing our worries inside them can be good to do with younger children as then we can imagine the butterfly flying away with our worry. This teaches children the importance of feeling and letting go of emotions.
Accept anger – anger can be one of the scariest emotions to feel and when we don’t understand our emotions or can’t express ourselves, we can start to feel angry, which is often why children have temper tantrums. It is important that we teach children what anger is and why they might be feeling it. Saying things like “It sounds like you are feeling quite angry/frustrated about not being allow to have that toy” and “I understand that you are angry at the moment, let's take some deep breaths together until we feel a little calmer” can help the child feel like that have been heard and can give them tools to manage their anger
Cathartic crying – Research has found that in addition to being self-soothing, shedding actual tears releases oxytocin and endorphins. These chemicals make people feel good and may also ease both physical and emotional pain. In this way, crying can help reduce pain and promote a sense of well-being. This can be useful for both adults and children. It is essentially using crying as a way of relieving emotional stress, the same way we might have a bath or go for a walk. Doing this with our children is creating a safe space to explore emotions and ways we can do this is by watching a sad film or listening to music that makes us feel sad.
validate ALL of their feelings – Often as adults, it can be quite easy to undermine children’s worries, this can be because we know in a weeks' time more than likely this worry will pass and the consequences, in our opinion are not that severe. However, this can actually confuse children’s perspectives of what a healthy relationship looks like, they may begin to believe that being undermined is a normal part of a relationship. So, no matter how big or small their worry or feelings may be, it is important that we recognise and validate them. We can do this by saying things like “It is Ok to feel disappointed” and “You are feeling upset right now, I know what that feels like”. It can be a good idea to help your child rank their worries in a list, starting with ‘worries keeping me awake at night’ to ‘things that sometimes make me afraid’. This will just really help to reinforce that feeling of being seen and heard.
Be a role model – We often want to shield our children from having to feel big emotions, but showing your child that emotions are something that everyone has, including adults is actually really important. A good role model shows that role models don't have to be perfect. We must regularly remind ourselves that as an adult we are a safe place for children to experience their hard feelings, being angry or sad is a part of life and not something that children need to be rescues from and that you are their chance to learn that grief and pain are survivable.
I have left some links below that provide further support & advice on looking after your child’s emotional health:
http://chums.uk.com/bedfordshire-services/
https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/parents-and-young-people
http://www.cambscommunityservices.nhs.uk/bedfordshire/school-nursing/chathealth-bedfordshire