Currently, 45% of pregnancies and one third of births in England are unplanned. Finding out you are expecting when you hadn’t planned it can leave you with feelings of happiness, shock, worry, resentment, anxiety, anger and everything in between. On top of this most women also have to face the judgements of people around them as well which can make them feel even more scared, alone and ashamed. With this forum entry, I want to address some of the stigmas that surround unplanned pregnancies to educate people on the impact these stigmas can have on pregnant women
“Women who get pregnant on accident are trying to trap the father of the baby into a relationship”
There is some truth to this particular statement, some women may feel that having a baby with their partner can bring back feelings of love, connection and purpose to their relationship and in some cases it can, but I would urge you to discuss these feelings with your partner before you plan a pregnancy. Having children can be a wonderful experience but it will also test your relationships with everyone including your partner in ways you never even imagined, so it is important that any planned children, ideally are mutually agreed. However, it is important that we remember to not paint all pregnant women with the same brush. This stigma is not only untrue in most cases, but can be extremely degrading and offensive as it suggests that women would alter their bodies, risk their mental states, have 9 months of invasive tests and procedures done and change their entire lives all to potentially win the affections of a man, who may or may not even provide for this child. Discovering you are pregnant when you had not planned it can be extremely scary for some women, especially if they have to face the pregnancy and birth without support from the child's other parent, the last thing women need in these circumstances is to be judged.
“unplanned pregnancy is a result of the woman being irresponsible”
Unfortunately, women are the ones who have to deal with the physical, emotional and psychological impact of pregnancy, but that does not make them completely responsible for the pregnancy. This is where many people make the mistake of believing this statement is true. There are several preventions that can be used to reduce the risk of pregnancy such as condoms, the contraceptive pill, having a vasectomy, etc. Many of these are preventions that can be used by men and none of these measures are 100% effective. So, while women are responsible for their part in the conception, men are equally as responsible. This stigma that the entire blame for an unplanned pregnancy should be placed on the woman is exactly that, a stigma.
“An unplanned pregnancy is something to be upset or disappointed about”
There is not a right or wrong way to feel about discovering a pregnancy you didn’t plan. While some women may feel shocked, disappointed and upset, some women can feel extremely happy and blessed. When you announce an unplanned pregnancy, most women are met with statements such as “what a shame”, “You must be so disappointed” and “are you going to keep it?”. When people make these statements to you it can feel like you ought to be distraught and if you’re not some people can even suspect you planned it and didn’t want to admit it, which only enforces all of the other stereotypes surrounding unplanned pregnancies. So, when someone next announces an unplanned pregnancy to you, let them decide for themselves how they feel about it before you make assumptions of how they should feel.
“You should be grateful that you can have children, some women would love to be in your shoes right now”
On the other hand, some women are really upset and disappointed about finding out they are expecting. Having children is a life altering event, you now have this little person that relies on you and every decision you make will have to incorporate the needs of this little person. Many women who plan their children can struggle with this, so imagine how it is for women who don’t? You are allowed to feel all of these feelings that society does not associate with pregnancy such as resentment & anxiety. While it is important to put things into perspective and be aware of other women's struggles and how fortunate this makes you, you do not have to let this dictate your decision or emotions. Whether you decide to terminate the pregnancy, keep the baby, put the child up for adoption, those are your rights and you must make the right decision for not just your baby, but also for you, because motherhood can be amazing and euphoric and beautiful. But it can also be exhausting, draining & challenging. Forcing this stigma onto women who are not yet ready to be mothers can have catastrophic consequences for them, the child and society as a whole.
If you or someone you know are pregnant and need some support or advice, I have left some links below where you can find out what your options are and get some help on making sense of how you might be feeling
https://www.sexwise.org.uk/unplanned-pregnancy
https://www.choicesislington.org/
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/pregnancy/pregnancy-options
Please feel free to add some support, advice or questions you may have in the comments section or send me a private message by clicking on the grey message symbol in the bottom right corner.